The Pizza Squares

Sol hates pizza that has been cut into squares. One might ask, how could a simple difference in the geometry of food change his feelings towards something he normally loves so much? This isn't a nice fillet mignon after all. While everyone has their own preference with pizza - toppings, thick crust, no crust, or even an occasional "white pizza", Sol will primarily concern himself with cut alone.

If Sol orders a pizza for delivery, he makes sure to dictate that it must be cut into normal slices. He discusses the cut much more than the toppings. There was once an instance where an unfortunate pizza parlor made the fatal mistake of ignoring his request and delivering a pizza cut in squares. The pizza was immediately sent back, and the delivery boy may still be in therapy.

If you are ever at a gathering with Sol and the topic comes up of having a pizza delivered, it is best to make sure it is from a location that doesn't normally cut it into squares. This is for your own protection. Offending pizzarias include:

• Mr. Pizza
• Just Pizza

One recent night, after playing a long game of hockey, Sol had hunger that only a slice of pizza could satiate. As luck would have it, a friend observing the game had some extra pizza, which he graciously offered to Sol. We could see the glee in his eyes as he received the aromatic box of cheese, pepperoni, sauce and dough. Unfortunately, that glee quickly turned into dispair as he opened it and saw his worst nightmare: it was cut into squares! An average person would have remarked "Thank you for the pizza, I was hungry." But Sol is not an average person. Instead, he predictably replied "Awww $!%# it's cut in squares! What the @!$#". Alas, his dreams were dashed, and his stomach empty.

We would like to thank Mr. Precursor for this enlightening glimpse into the psyche of Sol.

***Editor's Note: We have invited Mr. Precursor to become the newest contributor to StuffSolHates. - Tommy J